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Mike Hupfer introduces Detox Sector. Detox Sector provides addiction resources for help overcoming addiction. When I was young, I started drinking to numb my emotions. I continued abusing alcohol for many years thereafter.
With some help and hard work, I've been sober for 13 years. It’s painful to look back and critique the person I was back then. I don't like some parts of that person, and see many chapters of my past as insanity.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
"You can't control the world around you but you can control how your interpret and take care of situations in your own life." Mike Hupfer
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a tool I have found to be extremely helpful. Aaron Beck, MD., facilitated its movement over half a century ago. CBT may sound complicated, and esoteric, but it’s really straightforward. In essence, we can help shape, and influence how we feel, and subsequently, how we act too.
The behavior chain, given as an example below, may help illuminate it a bit. The behavior chain is a very effective tool in CBT therapy that helps one to identify how thoughts influence one’s behaviors. Every life’s action, like a movie script, can be broken down into four basic components: (1) situation (2) thoughts (3) feelings (4) behavior.
CBT basic components: (1) situation (2) thoughts (3) feelings (4) behavior
The behavior chain starts with a (1) situation. It can be any situation. The next part of the behavior chain is the (2) thoughts section. Our initial thoughts tend to be negative.
When we are able to identify the initial negative thoughts, and replace them with more positive thoughts, our (3) feelings, and subsequent (4) behavior, are more likely to be grounded and centered. The key is to identify, and challenge the initial negative thoughts.
We can use behavior chains to review past situations, and to plan for upcoming situations (weddings, reunions, birthdays, etc.). To illustrate, we will use the example of driving in traffic, to get to work, when "somebody cuts us off and flips us the bird.”
CBT basic components: (1) situation (2) thoughts (3) feelings (4) behavior
(1) Situation: Somebody cuts us off and flips us the bird.
(2) Thoughts: Initial negative: “Why that SOB” OR more positive: “Who cares.”
(3) Feelings: Thoughts create feelings pissed off/agitated (initial negative) OR less anxious (thinking something more positive).
(4) Behavior: Can Lead To snapping at co-workers (negative flow) OR be nicer to them (positive thought flow)
You can see how outside actions beyond our control can influence both our thinking and behavioral patterns. By understanding these concepts through CBT one can make better decisions that can have a better, more positive impact on both ourselves and others as well.
CBT Core Components
Sometimes, our thoughts are misshapen, and weighted toward the negative end of the teeter totter. By challenging the negative thoughts, we may be better able to feel, and act differently.
CBT Core Beliefs
People believe core beliefs very strongly, even “feel” it to be true. Yet, it might be mostly, or entirely untrue. A person can use a variety of strategies to challenge the idea, so a person can view themselves in a more realistic way.
CBT Coping Skills
Another component of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is developing useful coping skills. Ideally through therapy, the professional will help an individual by teaching coping strategies. These coping strategies may be used to help deal with high-risk situations.
All these core beliefs are really just thoughts and ideas.
1. It's just an idea and not necessarily the truth.
2. It's an idea and can be challenged.
3. It's an idea that needs to be maintained through “select data.”
4. It may have begun in childhood.
(click the pic)
Hot Potato
Hot Potato
Everybody is uniquely flawed one way or another. After all, we’re only human beings. Even the most enlightened person in the world has some kind of issue. People usually have some part of themself they may not like, and may not want to accept, and may not even recognize. Much of this takes place at a subconscious level, and is buried in the basement of our brain. I will refer to this subconscious burial as a person's shadow side as referenced by Carl Jung.
A great way to gain insight into your shadow side is to explore your pet peeves. Discovering what you don’t like in other people is usually telling of what you don’t like about yourself.
Exploring our pet peeves may help to provide an illuminating window into our psyche. By paying attention to our pet peeves, we can learn a lot about ourselves by examining them.
I will use myself as an example. Listed below are some of my pet peeves.
1. Soft spoken people
2. People who are too friendly
3. Plastic people
Let me start with the soft spoken pet peeve. In the beginning, the person I thought I was annoyed with is a friend who is soft spoken at times. After some digging, I discovered that the person I am actually annoyed with is myself.
Sometimes, I can be hard to understand when I talk quietly, and mutter to myself. I usually do this when I can’t find the right word, and my brain grinds to a crawl with all the mental tabs left open. It frustrates me because I like to think that I am on top of my game all the time. Of course, I’m not on top of my game all the time, I’m only human. I have to accept what seems obvious now, and learn to be more patient with myself and others too.
Next on the pet peeve list is people who are too friendly. On the surface, the pet peeve sounds petty. I try not to judge the pet peeve, and allow myself to just examine it. I was at a large grocery store the other day, and made contact with a super friendly store associate. I found myself wanting to yell at this person, and tell them to take it down a notch. Of course, I didn’t do that, and remained pleasant.
It dawned on me that this friendly store associate was similar in style to my personality during my working hours. I got annoyed with this friendly store associate because I annoy myself sometimes. I discovered when I pretend to be happy and friendly when I’m not really feeling it, I envision myself slithering down a pretentious slide, and that scares me. This fear of being pretentious aligns well with my next pet peeve.
The final pet peeve on the list is people who are plastic. A wonderful example of this plasticity comes from a golden couple in the extended family. Every Christmas, the golden couple mails out a mass shipment of picture cards.
The Christmas picture cards are custom made, and feature the golden couple standing in front of their beautiful home. In the picture, the golden couple is surrounded by their lovely children, the family dog, and the nanny to pay homage to all the little helpers.
In the picture, everyone is looking the part of the dandy. Even the dog is wearing his Sunday best. The Christmas picture card omits non-essentials like Jesus and Santa.
When I thought more about the golden couple, I discovered some interesting insights. What difference is it to me how the golden couple choose to live their lives? I should focus more on my own life.
While I have little in common with the golden couple, I’m still a bit plastic myself. I use face creams, and hair products to keep myself looking pretty. With my lifestyle devoid of alcohol and smoking, I strike a pose of a good looking guy, and that pleases me. I am learning to accept the plastic part of myself and other people too.
Let’s continue forward and talk more about our thoughts. Our own thoughts are extraordinarily powerful. We talk to ourselves all the time. It’s called self-talk.
We have thousands of thoughts every day, and many of our thoughts are negative. The critical voice in our head affects how we feel, and subsequently how we act.
Envision all the negative thoughts that have been festering in our head throughout the years. It’s likely that these negative thoughts have not been challenged.
The negative thoughts have gained momentum, and some have become a permanent recording. Some negative thoughts are particularly vile, and we work hard to get rid of them quickly. I will share two of my most vile thoughts below.
1. “I’m a failure.”
2. “I wasted my life.”
These are some horribly vile thoughts. The thoughts can surface anytime, and are more frequent during periods of heavy stress. These heavyweight negative thoughts are what I call “hot potato thoughts.”
Picture a giant potato that just finished cooking in the oven. Now imagine that we forgot to use an oven mitt, and then grab the hot potato right from the oven. We soon discover that the potato is painfully hot, and we toss it from one hand to the other to avoid getting burnt.
It’s a similar scene when these hot potato thoughts surface in our head. Hot potato thoughts are so vile that we want to get rid of them quickly. We then pass the hot potato to other people who are connected to us in some way. Passing the hot potato is far more egregious than having a bad day, and taking it out on someone. These hot potato thoughts are the most negative thoughts we have, and these vile thoughts have been allowed to fester like emotional black mold.
I will use one of my most vile hot potato thoughts, “I’m a failure.” In the example that follows, Vincent stopped over to watch some football.
1. My hot potato thought: “I’m a failure.”
2. Me passing the hot potato: “Vincent, why didn’t you ever finish college? You were only a semester away dude.”
See how I passed my hot potato onto Vincent. For now, I feel a little better about myself. Later, I will feel guilty about being a jerk to Vincent. The feeling of guilt will feed the “I’m a failure” thought monster, and it will continue to gain momentum.
In the process of passing the hot potato, I made Vincent feel bad, and probably incited his hot potato thought monster too. Hot potato thoughts will continue to be a long time monster. Unless the thoughts are challenged, the cycle will continue.
There is a book that can help. The book talks about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help challenge negative thoughts. The book is called “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David D. Burns
Transactional Analysis (Parent Adult Child)
The utterance of the words Transactional Analysis conjures images of a pale scientist in some dark lab. The concept is user friendly though. Just think PAC without the MAN. PAC is an acronym that stands for parent, adult, and child. The PAC acronym is a very important concept to know for understanding what Transactional Analysis is all about. Eric Berne, M.D., is the founder of Transactional Analysis, and he likely integrated other resources from others, including Sigmund Freud.
Eric Berne’s groundbreaking work helped shape how people’s social interactions could be understood better. Transactional Analysis postulates that each one of us has a parent, adult, and child inside of us that largely influences our thoughts and choices in life. In 1964, Eric Berne wrote a great book about Transactional Analysis titled, “Games People Play.” The book talks about, you guessed it, games people play. These games are not fun games, like hide and seek, but are harmful games that hinder people from getting close.
From my understanding, the term “warm fuzzies” was derived from a kid’s book version of Transactional Analysis. There were a whole series of Transactional Analysis books that included versions for tots, for teens, and for couples.
Transactional Analysis was hugely popular in the 1970’s. When thinking of Transactional Analysis (TA), try to visualize PAC. Transactional Analysis refers to PAC as three distinct ego states, the Parent ~ Adult ~ Child.
Parent ~ Adult ~ Child
(P)
The “Parent” is a sum total of what we have learned from others when we were kids especially caretakers, teachers, etc. This has a big impact on how we view others and the world around us since most of this has been integrated within us through learned behavior that has been taught to us in some regard.
(A)
The “Adult” in the Transactional Analysis is important, because the “Adult” is the kind, and objective coach, who plays mediator for two forces between the parent and child within us, who most of the time, are at opposite ends of the teeter totter. The purpose of the Adult state is to examine and question thoughts and feelings from both the child and the parent part of us and to form an educated conclusion. In essence, it is to be a critical thinker.
(C)
Our personality lives in the “Child,” and deals with emotions, so this piece is important. If you find a joke funny and you start to laugh uncontrollably, most likely this is the child part of us letting go and having fun.
Parent ~ Adult ~ Child II
Picture the parent, adult and child, as big stores inside your brain's mega mall. Malls are on the endangered species list, but that’s another story. The cheese in the Wisconsin water has bolstered my creativity, so I will use the terms parent store, adult store, and child store, when referring to the individual components of the PAC.
The parent store has two departments: the nurturing parent and the critical parent. The nurturing parent and the critical feedback come from many sources: our mother/fathers, educators, relatives, etc. As children, we generally want to please these folks, and will conform to gain approval. In essence, children adapt, to not be cast out.
The child store has two departments: the free child and the adapted child. The free child is the mountain spring source of our creativity, spontaneity, and personality. To obtain conditional approval from others, kids learn to adapt. Problems may surface later in life, when the free child is buried deep, and screaming to be set free.
Parent ~ Adult ~ Child III
Picture the parent, adult, and child, as residing within yourself. Each has a separate part and function of what makes up your personality.
(P)
The parent part has two components: the nurturing parent and the critical parent. The nurturing and the critical feedback is influenced by many people during our childhood such as parents, educators, relatives, etc. As children, we generally want to please these folks, and will conform to gain approval. In essence, children adapt, to not be cast out and to feel accepted.
(A)
The adult component is a function all on its own, and is vital to the overall operations of both the Child ego state and the Parent ego state. It makes decisions based on facts and is influenced by both the Parent and Child ego state. The purpose of the Adult state is to examine and question thoughts and feelings from both the Child and Parent ego states and form an educated conclusion. In essence, it is to be a critical thinker.
(C)
The child part of the PAC model has two main components: the free child and the adapted child. The free child is the mountain spring source of our creativity, spontaneity, and personality. To obtain conditional approval from others, kids learn to adapt.
Parent ~ Adult ~ Child IV
Problems may surface later in life, when the free child is buried deep, and screaming to be set free. The free child does not like the perpetually critical parent, but will comply, albeit grudgingly. As we grow older, the experience is a series of internal, cerebral conflicts, between the screaming, free child, and the always critical parent. A great example of this conflict is a person who is passive aggressive. On the surface, the adapted child is complying, but the screaming, free child, exacts revenge in the end. This could be in the form of something like giving someone the silent treatment or continually putting off responsibilities.
The adult intervenes by taking inventory of both the Child and Parent ego states so that the Parent component can make a more conscious, balanced decision, independently. At all times, the Adult ego state has the child’s best interest. The Adult balances discipline and direction, with freedom for our kid to be a free child. As we grow older, and move through life’s trials and tribulations, many of our contemporaries may lose some pizzazz, like they are missing pieces of their personality.
It is likely their free child is buried, screaming for rescue.
Additional Resources
Recovery is a journey and each person’s path is unique. Healing and transformation is absolutely possible. Listed below are some suggested readings and strategies that people can use to help overcome addiction.
- Seeking Help: People find success by reaching out to addiction specialists, therapists and counselors. These professionals may help provide guidance, coping strategies, treatment plans and emotional support.
- Support Networks: Building a strong support system can be beneficial. Connecting with other people who have faced similar challenges can be empowering and help forge a sense of togetherness.
- Education and Awareness: Understanding the nature of addiction is important. Education can help individuals make better informed decisions and apply what we learned to help motivate and move forward.
- Self-Reflection: Acknowledging the problem and accepting responsibility are important steps. Examining the root cause of addiction and identifying the triggers is helpful.
- Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Replacing destructive and harmful habits with healthier coping strategies and alternatives is important. This might involve engaging in creative pursuits or exploring other positive outlets.
- Lifestyle Changes: Overcoming addiction requires significant lifestyle changes. Making changes in daily routines, social circles and environments is vital.
- Born To Win by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward
- Memoir of a Broken Child by Mike Hupfer
- Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns
- Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne
- Getting Sober: A Practical Guide to Making it through the first 30 Days by Kelly Madigan Erlandson
- Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw
- I’m Ok - You’re Ok by Thomas A. Harris
- Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
- Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by Dennis Greenberger
- Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
- The Hero Within: Six Archetypes We Live By written by Carol Pearson