Recovery Resources

Detox Sector is the leading recovery resource. Take advantage of exceptional recovery resources. When I was young, I started drinking to numb my emotions. I was heavily involved in abusing alcohol for many years thereafter. With some help and hard work, I have been sober for 13 years. It’s both frightening and painful to look back and critique the person I was then. I don't like some parts of that person then, and I see many chapters of my past as flat insanity. My problems have not gone away just because I quit drinking.

To this day, the emotional pain can become overwhelming. Back in the day, alcohol was my primary coping mechanism, to numb the emotional pain. Now, I am learning how to deal with emotional pain without drinking. From time to time, I still think about grabbing a bottle of booze to make the pain go away. So easy right.

After years of destroying myself, I decided I had enough. At first, it was a terrifying experience. Along with other people close to me, I didn't really know who I was 100%. Drinking was such a huge part of my identity. Despite the years I spent drinking trying to forget them, all my emotional issues accrued compound interest, and they waited for me in the emotional bank vault. There's a whole lot saved there, so the road back will be a long one.

Recovery is a journey and each person’s path is unique. Healing and transformation is absolutely possible! Listed below are some strategies that people can use to help overcome addiction.

Seeking Help: People find success by reaching out to addiction specialists, therapists and counselors. These professionals may help provide guidance, coping strategies, treatment plans and emotional support.
Support Networks: Building a strong support system can be beneficial. Connecting with other people who have faced similar challenges can be empowering and help forge a sense of togetherness.
Education and Awareness: Understanding the nature of addiction is important. Education can help individuals make better informed decisions and apply what we learned to help motivate and move forward.
Self-Reflection: Acknowledging the problem and accepting responsibility are important steps. Examining the root cause of addiction and identifying the triggers is helpful.
Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Replacing destructive and harmful habits with healthier coping strategies and alternatives is important. This might involve engaging in creative pursuits or exploring other positive outlets.
Lifestyle Changes: Overcoming addiction requires significant lifestyle changes. Making changes in daily routines, social circles and environments is vital.

AVOCATION WELL

An avocation is something that we really like to do, and think about doing all the time. An avocation can also mean a person's true passion, like a calling. Compare that with a vocation: a vocation is what we do to pay the bills, our regular 9-5 job. Now, if our vocation is also our avocation, we have struck gold. We are making money, and loving what we do. All along, shouldn't we be doing something we like to do?

I think many people, however, just casually fall into their career field. I know I did anyway. We will likely work much of our adult lives, and then many years later, we retire. When we retire, we will likely do something entirely different from what we did all those decades we worked. I always thought that part was crazy, but probably the norm though.

Remember those people in high school, or college, who seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do, or be, when they grow-up? That would have made life so much easier right? I have spent an enormous amount of time looking for the unicorn flying up to the rainbow type job, occupation, and career. I have dipped my toes in many career ponds, and was fortunate enough to have sampled many different types of flavorful fish.

If you can narrow down your career focus, then go for it. As far as a career is concerned, there is so much power, in knowing what you want, or what you think you want. If work is just a means to pay the bills, so be it. Money is money, and bills are bills.

Our identities can extend outside what we do to pay the bills. Outside your regular job, try to channel your creative spark in whatever dimension that may give you voltage. Consider exploring such things as writing, media, music, gaming, sports, singing, reading, website design, travel, gardening, voice over, crafts, animals, instruments, gadgets, yard work, tinkering, volunteering, mentoring, and so many other things. Give it a go!

Friends and Family

The friends and family we have today, will probably not be the friends and family we have tomorrow.

This is one of the most painful lessons of my life. I feel pain, not for the loss of flavorless friends, who have long come and gone, but the genuine friends still with me, in heart and spirit, and in person. In the past, I occasionally dumped on these genuine friends, sometimes deliberately, and other times, I was just a fool who lacked insight.

I spent so much time hanging out with flavorless friends drinking, smoking, bar-crawling, attending all night parties, just random nothingness. Looking back, what a waste of time. True story: one flavorless friend didn’t even know my name, and this was after hanging out for years. I didn’t discover this until after I attended his milestone birthday party, and in our drunken conversation, he asked me my name. This was after 5 years. I felt like a fool. In all those years, he just called me “hangover."

We may think that our friends will always be our friends. I get it. Of course, for some people, this may be the case. That wasn’t the case for me at all. Not even close. I am fortunate that a couple of genuine friends are still with me after the years of incremental neglect. Sometimes, I was not a very good friend. I prioritized flavorless friends, over my real friends for the sake of foolishness, and hedonism. I paid the fool's price, and have the pointy dunce hat to prove it.

So, take time, and do an inventory of your friends, and prioritize your genuine friends. As we move down life’s bumpy road, our most important friend, and confidant, will be our life partner, you know, the one we will share our soul. Give this person exclusive stage pass. This is this person who is, and will be, your best friend.

The family part is much more complicated. I recommend breaking down the family into individual elements; more specifically, to each individual person within the family. Individuals in the family are a source of voltage, including good and bad jolts. The voltage may be sparked by one or more individual in the family, or every individual in the family. What we have is a collection of individuals, and individuals make mistakes. Sometimes, the mistakes are repeated accidentally, or otherwise. At many points in our life, individuals within our family will ignite some emotional voltage.

So, just like reviewing our friends list and family playbook, take time to review our own family to determine the direction in the family, and the level of participation in functions, events, and life stages. Remember: the only person in life we can control is us.

The Family Playbook

Try to picture the Family Playbook as an enormous instruction manual in many languages. It is so big, in fact, that it may symbolically break your back, if not handled properly. The Family Playbook is tacitly handed down to each, and every new generation. This instruction manual goes back many generations, probably to the genesis of your family. The Family Playbook may be viewed as rules of learned behavior that continuously gets recycled until someone decides they want to change, and break the cycle of generational complexities, like trauma, addictions, relationships, etc.

The Family Playbook effectively communicates without spoken language, or even words. The Family Playbook has a wide range of preaching’s, including information about attitudes, beliefs, standard operations, applications, techniques, biases, a how to guide, relationships, health, wellness, coping, drinking, eating, smoking, religion, marriage, job, career, prejudices, emotions, and just about everything else. The Family Playbook is titanic in scope. The information contained in the Family Playbook may or may not be relevant to you, or may fall somewhere in the continuum of relevance to you.

Take time to review the Family Playbook. It’s completely in your control to make changes to it. With the Family Playbook, you have the power to update it, amend it, delete it entirely, and keep it as is, or start anew. You may create your very own version of the Family Playbook. If no review of the Family Playbook takes place, we will probably follow the established Family Playbook, as is, for better, or for worse.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

"You can't control the world around you but you can control how your interpret and take care of situations in your own life." Mike Hupfer

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a tool I have found to be extremely helpful. Aaron Beck, MD., facilitated its movement over half a century ago. CBT may sound complicated, and esoteric, but it’s really straightforward. In essence, we can help shape, and influence how we feel, and subsequently, how we act too.

The behavior chain, given as an example below, may help illuminate it a bit. The behavior chain is a very effective tool in CBT therapy that helps one to identify how thoughts influence one’s behaviors. Every life’s action, like a movie script, can be broken down into four basic components: (1) situation (2) thoughts (3) feelings (4) behavior.

CBT basic components: (1) situation (2) thoughts (3) feelings (4) behavior

The behavior chain starts with a (1) situation. It can be any situation. The next part of the behavior chain is the (2) thoughts section. Our initial thoughts tend to be negative.

When we are able to identify the initial negative thoughts, and replace them with more positive thoughts, our (3) feelings, and subsequent (4) behavior, are more likely to be grounded and centered. The key is to identify, and challenge the initial negative thoughts.

We can use behavior chains to review past situations, and to plan for upcoming situations (weddings, reunions, birthdays, etc.). To illustrate, we will use the example of driving in traffic, to get to work, when "somebody cuts us off and flips us the bird.”

CBT basic components: (1) situation (2) thoughts (3) feelings (4) behavior

(1) Situation: Somebody cuts us off and flips us the bird.

(2) Thoughts: Initial negative: “Why that SOB” OR more positive: “Who cares.”

(3) Feelings: Thoughts create feelings pissed off/agitated (initial negative) OR less anxious (thinking something more positive).

(4) Behavior: Can Lead To snapping at co-workers (negative flow) OR be nicer to them (positive thought flow)

You can see how outside actions beyond our control can influence both our thinking and behavioral patterns. By understanding these concepts through CBT one can make better decisions that can have a better, more positive impact on both ourselves and others as well.

CBT Core Components

Sometimes, our thoughts are misshapen, and weighted toward the negative end of the teeter totter. By challenging the negative thoughts, we may be better able to feel, and act differently.

CBT Coping Skills

Another component of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is developing useful coping skills. Ideally through therapy, the professional will help an individual by teaching coping strategies. These coping strategies may be used to help deal with high-risk situations.

CBT Core Beliefs

People believe core beliefs very strongly, even “feel” it to be true. Yet, it might be mostly, or entirely untrue. These core beliefs can become automatic thoughts. A person can use a variety of strategies to challenge the idea, so a person can view themselves in a more realistic way.

All these core beliefs are really just thoughts and ideas.

1. It's just an idea and not necessarily the truth.

2. It's an idea and can be challenged.

3. It's an idea that needs to be maintained through “select data.”

4. It may have begun in childhood.

(click the pic)

The Game of Blemish

Submitted by a friend who wishes to remain anonymous. This game happens all the time, so it's important to recognize it. Sometimes, people are reluctant to look in the mirror. It's easier to find a blemish in others.

"Have you heard about so and so, you wouldn't believe what I heard! How could anyone do such a thing!" Can you relate to that transaction? Gossip fuels rumors and although seemingly benign, gossip actually does much more harm than good.

For instance, when you put someone else down without realizing your own shortcomings, it is a social game known as "blemish" in transactional analysis. It allows someone to temporarily feel better about themselves, because instead of focusing on themselves, they find enjoyment by gossiping about other people.

If one would simply not engage with this type of game, they would then need to account for their own behavior, forcing that person to take a hard look at themselves instead.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

The book by Richard Carlson showcases a wide range of helpful topics. Quoted below are some of my favorites from his book.

“We tend to believe that if we were somewhere else – on vacation, with another partner, in a different career, a different home, a different circumstance – somehow we would be happier and more content. We wouldn’t!”
“Imagining yourself at your own funeral allows you to look back at your life while you still have the chance to make some important changes.”
“Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected.”
“We forget that life isn’t as bad as we’re making it out to be. We also forget that when we’re blowing things out of proportion, we are the ones doing the blowing.”
“Indeed, the important question in terms of becoming more peaceful isn’t whether or not you’re going to have negative thoughts – you are – it’s what you choose to do with the ones that you have.”

A Bill Of Assertive Rights

Manuel J. Smith, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope - Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy. A Bill of Assertive Rights.

I: "You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself."

II: "You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior."

III: "You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems."

IV: "You have the right to change your mind."

V: "You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them."

VI: "You have the right to say, I don’t know.”

VII: "You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them."

VIII: "You have the right to be illogical in making decisions."

IX: "You have the right to say, I don’t understand.”

X: "You have the right to say, I don’t care.”

Transactional Analysis (TA)

The utterance of the words Transactional Analysis conjures images of a pale scientist in some dark lab. The concept is user friendly though. Just think PAC without the MAN. PAC is an acronym that stands for parent, adult, and child. The PAC acronym is a very important concept to know for understanding what Transactional Analysis is all about. Eric Berne, M.D., is the founder of Transactional Analysis, and he likely integrated other resources from others, including Sigmund Freud.

Eric Berne’s groundbreaking work helped shape how people’s social interactions could be understood better. Transactional Analysis postulates that each one of us has a parent, adult, and child inside of us that largely influences our thoughts and choices in life. In 1964, Eric Berne wrote a great book about Transactional Analysis titled, “Games People Play.” The book talks about, you guessed it, games people play. These games are not fun games, like hide and seek, but are harmful games that hinder people from getting close.

From my understanding, the term “warm fuzzies” was derived from a kid’s book version of Transactional Analysis. There were a whole series of Transactional Analysis books that included versions for tots, for teens, and for couples.

Transactional Analysis was hugely popular in the 1970’s. When thinking of Transactional Analysis (TA), try to visualize PAC. Transactional Analysis refers to PAC as three distinct ego states, the Parent ~ Adult ~ Child.

(P)

The “Parent” is a sum total of what we have learned from others when we were kids especially caretakers, teachers, etc. This has a big impact on how we view others and the world around us since most of this has been integrated within us through learned behavior that has been taught to us in some regard.

(A)

The “Adult” in the Transactional Analysis is important, because the “Adult” is the kind, and objective coach, who plays mediator for two forces between the parent and child within us, who most of the time, are at opposite ends of the teeter totter. The purpose of the Adult state is to examine and question thoughts and feelings from both the child and the parent part of us and to form an educated conclusion. In essence, it is to be a critical thinker.

(C)

Our personality lives in the “Child,” and deals with emotions, so this piece is important. If you find a joke funny and you start to laugh uncontrollably, most likely this is the child part of us letting go and having fun.

Parent ~ Adult ~ Child II

Picture the parent, adult and child, as big stores inside your brain's mega mall. Malls are on the endangered species list, but that’s another story. The cheese in the Wisconsin water has bolstered my creativity, so I will use the terms parent store, adult store, and child store, when referring to the individual components of the PAC.

The parent store has two departments: the nurturing parent and the critical parent. The nurturing parent and the critical feedback come from many sources: our mother/fathers, educators, relatives, etc. As children, we generally want to please these folks, and will conform to gain approval. In essence, children adapt, to not be cast out.

The child store has two departments: the free child and the adapted child. The free child is the mountain spring source of our creativity, spontaneity, and personality. To obtain conditional approval from others, kids learn to adapt. Problems may surface later in life, when the free child is buried deep, and screaming to be set free.

Parent ~ Adult ~ Child III

Picture the parent, adult, and child, as residing within yourself. Each has a separate part and function of what makes up your personality.

(P)

The parent part has two components: the nurturing parent and the critical parent. The nurturing and the critical feedback is influenced by many people during our childhood such as parents, educators, relatives, etc. As children, we generally want to please these folks, and will conform to gain approval. In essence, children adapt, to not be cast out and to feel accepted.

(A)

The adult component is a function all on its own, and is vital to the overall operations of both the Child ego state and the Parent ego state. It makes decisions based on facts and is influenced by both the Parent and Child ego state. The purpose of the Adult state is to examine and question thoughts and feelings from both the Child and Parent ego states and form an educated conclusion. In essence, it is to be a critical thinker.

(C)

The child part of the PAC model has two main components: the free child and the adapted child. The free child is the mountain spring source of our creativity, spontaneity, and personality. To obtain conditional approval from others, kids learn to adapt.

Parent ~ Adult ~ Child IV

Problems may surface later in life, when the free child is buried deep, and screaming to be set free. The free child does not like the perpetually critical parent, but will comply, albeit grudgingly. As we grow older, the experience is a series of internal, cerebral conflicts, between the screaming, free child, and the always critical parent. A great example of this conflict is a person who is passive aggressive. On the surface, the adapted child is complying, but the screaming, free child, exacts revenge in the end. This could be in the form of something like giving someone the silent treatment or continually putting off responsibilities.

The adult intervenes by taking inventory of both the Child and Parent ego states so that the Parent component can make a more conscious, balanced decision, independently. At all times, the Adult ego state has the child’s best interest. The Adult balances discipline and direction, with freedom for our kid to be a free child. As we grow older, and move through life’s trials and tribulations, many of our contemporaries may lose some pizzazz, like they are missing pieces of their personality. It is likely their free child is buried, screaming for rescue.

Life's Piggy Bank

From time to time, memories of my high-school days, come trickling back into my conscious mind. Truth be told, I learned more about getting high at lunch than much of anything else really. Of course, that is on me. For the life of me though, I can’t think of a single time, just once, where I used anything I learned in Geometry, or Algebra. I wish I would have learned more about social skills, and some basic finances information to apply to life after high-school.

My thoughts transition into a raging river, however, when I think about my college days. To follow in the footsteps of my Family Playbook, I went to school and it was years of learning random things. Truth be told, I can’t remember much of what I learned to this day. I wish I would have learned more about conflict resolution, and mechanisms of saving while working our whole dang life.

As far as attending college is concerned, I wish I could turn back the clock. I would have been far more selective in choosing my learning path, and better equipped to consider the cost versus the benefits. Like many people my age, I am saddled with education debt. Of course, that is on me, and a whole another story.

Today, it is far more likely that people in the workforce will change jobs, or occupations, much more frequently than the generations that came before. That is the case for me anyway. Most of have heard about, or are participating in, a work sponsored 401k. For us job changers, explore the IRA option too. A person can have both a 401k and an IRA. The IRA is your own thing; it follows you around, and not tied to any employer.

Forgiveness

Forgiving someone may be viewed as disentangling yourself from a strong emotional hold that binds you to them. By disentangling yourself, it can help set you free.

Let me give you an example. I’m sure you have heard someone say something like this before, “I’ll never forgive them for what they did. Not in a million years.”

Not forgiving this person doesn’t affect them in the least.

Why would it?

They didn’t care then.

Why would they care now?

By forgiving the person, you take back power by disentangling your emotions from them. It may feel counterintuitive but it works. If it helps, call it disentangling.

To conclude this section, let’s talk about something that sounds easy to do: saying you're sorry. In practice, however, you may find it more difficult than you think.

As human beings, we are going to mess up all the time. That’s just part of the deal. This is particularly true with the people we are close to.

For whatever reason, people don’t like to admit when they are wrong even if they are wrong. It probably has something to do with the ego as explained by psychoanalytic theories and other schools of thought.

Just think back to the last time you messed up with your loved one. Was your first thought to say I’m sorry? It wasn’t my first thought either.

I believe people want to justify why they do the things they do and then trap themselves by defending their justification.

For all of our faults, human beings are forgiving creatures. When the person who wronged us apologizes and asks for forgiveness, we typically do.

Twelve Step Groups

As far as the getting help part, I found all counseling, regardless of the content, beneficial. Also, I discovered some self-help books especially helpful too. If for no other reason other than to be around people who don’t drink, or use drugs, twelve step groups can be beneficial. Additionally, people in twelve step groups will have some good information about staying sober and know of some solid resources too.

For the most part, I like my experience with twelve step groups, including AA & NA. In my early recovery days, I attended meetings all the time and they were really helpful. Attending a meeting is easy and you can just show up. If you're interested, check out a meeting, and make up your own mind! What matters is what works for you.

Detox Sector

Recovery Resources

Recovery Resources

AVOCATION WELL

Friends and Family

The Family Playbook

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

The Game of Blemish

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

A Bill Of Assertive Rights

Transactional Analysis (TA)

Life's Piggy Bank

Forgiveness

Twelve Step Groups

Suggested Readings